We both cry

Thinking about my grandma and the warm home she provided, cared for, and kept/keeps shining for us.

Thinking about all the women and femmes before me who kept the light for me to be here.

Thinking about my mom and how sometimes I wish I could feel more of this when I'm with her.

Thinking about my family, and how sometimes I wish I could be respected for both my masculine and feminine.

Thinking about my people and how I wish I could feel more welcomed, since lately, even though I've returned back home, I don't feel like I belong.

Thinking about the light my grandmother's send down to me, as they hug and hold me for a moment.

As I lay in the snow, alone with grandma earth and feeling her and the snows, the winds, the waters energy wrapping beneath and around me.

How I want to be hold and be held like this more often.

Even though everything is so near, it feels so far lately.

I keep trying, and I've got all these opportunities I've been wanting, within my reach. And yet, I feel like I'm still not in the right spaces for me.

Still not surrounded by this kind of energy--this love, this hope, this acceptance (this freedom we share), this honesty, this space. That we are already in. I just don't feel like many are truly present with me right now.

I feel a shift over the past several months. Nearly a year of this building up.

What is coming?

Where am I going?

I want to feel more at peace and ease.

There's that saying, "What's right for you won't make you hold so tightly."

I wonder if what is happening is for right right now . . . and maybe I need to loosen my grip.

What will happen then?

I wonder.

I used to wait and not take the reins.

Maybe I'm holding on so tightly to ones that aren't for me to hold onto. Or not alone.

I don't know.

But I need to let go and keep breathing through this.

Just like auntie said, "keep breathing... it'll be a lot of sweating and crying, but keep breathing."

"I guess, all that's left for me to do now, is feel what I feel, and take my breaths."

"Cedar, you're valid. Don't forget, you're valid."

"My sweetheart," she says with her hug in spirit. and we both cry over the phone.

we both cry.